Arnold Brewster
Arnold Brewster
These are the way that mom made them.
First you wake up the kids. Yell at them to get dressed. Put on a bathrobe with the bottom trim coming off. March into the kitchen and yell, TEN MINUTES TILL BREAKFAST!!!!
Melt some butter in a frying pan on medium to high heat.
Try to find some bread to toast. By the time you have found it and put it in the toaster scream NINE MINUTES TILL BREAKFAST!!!!!
Turn to stove and find butter burning in the frying pan, lunge at the handle and remove from flame. Scream from pain of burning your hand on the handle of the pan. Apologize to kids for what you cursed. Then Scream, EIGHT MINUTES TILL BREAKFAST!!!!!!
Add four eggs and a splash of milk into a bowl. Beat till mixed. (Beat it.)
Notice that the kitchen is filled with smoke. Shriek aloud! Then find more bread to replace the burnt toast. Scream SEVEN MINUTES TILL BREAKFAST!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH YOU KIDS THIS MORNING!
Place the frying pan back on the flame and forget to turn it down. Swipe at the first kid through the kitchen. Spin and accuses the child, "Where is your brother?"
"I don't know." The child mumbles.
Scream FIVE MINUTES TILL BREAKFAST!!!!
Take some plates to the table and kiss the head of the kid you just swiped at. "Here, please set the table for you and your brother." Then return to stove. The child should say, "He can set his own plates."
"Just do as I tell you, don't make me come over there! Scream THREE MINUTES TILL BREAKFAST!!!!!!
As the last child comes into the kitchen turn and say, "Why look at you! You are a mess. Tuck that shirt in this minute young man." The child will respond by saying, "I don't got no plate to eat off of."
Turn back to the stove in disgust and see that the egg mixture in the frying pan has the appearance of a bubbling moons surface.
Burn other hand removing the pan from flame. Wrap handle with bottom of bathrobe and take to table where you scrape off the two-thirds of the egg mixture that doesn't stick to pan, onto the kids' plates.
Serve with toast and orange juice that has chunks of unmelted frozen concentrate floating in the glass.
Yell BREAKFAST!!!!*
Pull a cigarette from bathrobe, light it, and take a deep draw. Turn towards bedroom and walk off coughing with a cloud of smoke around head. When you reach master bedroom, yell without turning, (the echoes off the walls give the sound an unreal quality) "You'd better be done by the time that I'm dressed!!!!!!"
* For the breakfast to be properly enjoyed the toast must be served with only one side toasted and should have been sitting with at least one edge of it in the splashed milk from mixing bowl, so that one corner is mushy.
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